StarShmucks Coffee Houses
by SwisArmyRomance
Summary: AU fic Hiei's a black clothesloving teen working at everyones favorite coffee joint. He has annoying coworkers, customers that he wants to murder and he's sure the caffine is starting to cause brain damage. no pairing YET possible in future chapters. R
1. Tall, Grande, Venti

**Starbucks Star-Sucks!**

I've come to detest the scent of coffee beans.

I hate my job.

And that guy who writes his own lyrics and music outside every Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday morning; someone should tell him that he's terrible at the guitar and he should get a life.

Hate this job.

It's all overpriced anyway.

"Morning Hiei!" said a chipper, feminine voice as a pair of hands covered my eyes from behind. "Guess who?" It asked. Someone kill me now.

"Get the hell off, Botan." I growled.

I hate this job; I hate my co-workers even more. She laughed airily.

"Bingo!" She said cheerfully. "Keiko wanted me to remind you that you promised you'd take her shift today."

"Shoot me." I said scowling. Suddenly, my ridiculously happy peer became quite serious.

"Hiei," She said didactically "You give off the wrong impression giving looks like that all the time and dressing the way you do."

I automatically looked down at my black jeans, which were baggy and considerably too long for my ungodly short legs. On top I wore a black turtleneck. And of course, on top of _that_ I wore my Starbucks apron.

Hate. This. Place.

I managed to save some of my dignity though by refusing to wear the Starbucks hat. I broke a few uniform rules but my boss, Koenma, didn't complain.

Weather that was because of my cappuccino making skills or the fact that I kept a steady stream of preteen girls coming in I was not sure.

I can only pray it's the first because the only thing I can't stand more then working at this god awful place is stupid people, primarily stupid girls.

"And just what impression is that?" I asked.

"That you're a flaming emo." She said giggling at herself.

"Hn," I said indifferently "The way I dress isn't your concern." I said. She frowned.

"Of course it is." She said with another giggle at the end.

God, have you good people ever heard of the Texas chainsaw massacre?

I think I know why he did it.

She was cut off as a customer walked in. Botan seemed to recognize him and stepped up to the counter.

"Hello there," She said in that all-too-aggravating voice of hers. "What can I get you today, Kurama?"

"Morning, Botan. You look well." He said in a friendly, polite voice. He had long, red hair, big emerald green eyes and before I'd heard his deep voice a moment ago I'd been 99.9 certain that he was a girl. "I'll take a quad shot espresso." He said casually.

Well holy damn. This she-male was either one intense coffee drinker or a complete imbecile. A quad shot was four shots of espresso, for those or you too idiotic to figure that one out, and it was only for the brave.

"Coming right up, Kurama." She said cheerfully.

There was a short period of silence where we were all quiet and the maximum movement was my eyes darting back and forth between this Kurama person and my least favorite bluenette.

"Well Hiei?" She finally said, giving me a look.

"What?" I snapped

"Get on that espresso." She said demandingly. I scowled and went to prepare the drink. What the fuck? _She_ took the order. Bitch.

I returned to find Botan having a nice little chat with _her_ customer and I angrily handed over the espresso. Then the douche bag preceded to hand Botan the money for it and continued talking to her and completely ignoring the person who had actually made his drink, me. I hate people.

I growled and busied myself with something behind the counter, trying to ignore the sickeningly pleasant conversation being taken place a few feet away.

"Well Kurama, I'm afraid I'll have to get back to work." Is that what she calls it? "But we'll chat more. Sometime soon I hope."

"Of course, Botan, sometime soon." He paused. "You're Hiei, yes?" he asked looking at me. I was startled that this princess had actually taken notice to a coffee-making servant such as myself.

To prevent something smart and extremely offensive from coming out of my mouth I merely nodded and returned to my extremely important task of pretending to do something.

"Hiei," He said slowly, pausing again. "I shall see you soon as well." He said. With another smile and friendly wave he walked out the door.

Quad shot. Man that guy wasn't sleeping soon…


	2. WORKSUCKS

SAR: Ridiculously short chapter, I know. I really just wanted to get it out though because a few of you really seemed to like it. Also, this story was originally just gonna be a cure for writers block so there's really no plan in my head for what's gonna happen here. SO, before I write more of this story I kind of want you folks to tell me if you want any kind of pairing in this story or not and if so who you want to see together. I'm open to all ideas with pairing but I really don't see myself doing HieixBotan- Sorry Vhee, (your still awesome cuz your a redhead). But if enough of you want it I'll consider it. I can do regualr pairings or yaoi. No OCs. There are only a few good OCs out there and, although I'm quite fond of my OC, Binx, I don't think I could ever possibly write a good OC romance that didn't suck.

Rinku: Can I do the disclaimer yet?

SAR: Not yet. Hiei may not be as funny this chapter and he might be a lil ooc. Then again, he might be dead on character. I can't really tell with my own writing sometimes y'know?

Rinku: Disclaimer time?

SAR: NO! I'll tell you when to do the fucking disclaimer! throws a shoe at him, turns back to computer screen Do me a favor peoples, REVIEW. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK AND WHAT YOU WANT ME TO IMPROVE ON! OR JUST BRIGHTEN UP MY DAY AND TELL ME I ROCK!!! IDK! lol just PLZ review, mmkay?

Rinku: Disclaimer Time?

SAR: Yes, disclaimer time. Do the warning while your at it.

Rinku: WOOHOO! SwisArmyRomance does not own anything. at all. not even this computer, it's her dad's.

WARNING: RATED T FOR A REASON KIDDIES!

SAR&Rinku: READ ON DUMBASSES!

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**Chapter 2:**

One of the perks of working at Starbucks, and by "one of" I mean "the only", was the free desserts. So I walked through my front door with two large, warm, and gooey Starbucks M&M cookies in my hand. However, as soon as I walked through the door I caught a whiff of the most absolutely perfect scent in the world.

My sister's homemade cupcakes. No Betty-Crocker crap mix involved.

I walked into the kitchen. On the table was a tray with ten cookies on it. Each one was perfectly frosted with dark chocolate frosting, my favorite, and each had a letter on it in blue icing. Together, the cupcakes spelled out:

W O R K S U C K S

And the tenth cupcake had a little red heart on it.

I love my sister.

And there aren't many things I _love._

"Hiei?" I heard my sister, Yukina, call from her room upstairs. "Are you home?" I heard her walking down the stairs. I suddenly looked down at my Starbucks cookies with guilt and disgust.

I quickly threw them in the trash where they spent the remainder of their short and rather unlived lives sandwiched between some used napkins and a…well an old sandwich. Fuck Starbucks. I have Yukina.

"Like your cupcakes?" She said as she ran up to me and gave me a huge hug. I rolled my eyes as I returned it. You'd think I'd been gone at war or something.

"How do you always know when I have a shitty day at work?" I asked in her embrace. She giggled.

No, not the annoying Botan giggle; the joyous, perfect sound that is my sister's laughter.

Like I said, there are few things I _love._

And by "few" of course I mean "almost nothing".

But I love my sister.

"I always know because you _always_ have a bad day at work." She said giggling. I opened my mouth to argue and then closed it. It_ was_ true.

I let go of my sister and went to grab a cupcake. I chose the one with the little heart on it.

Why the heart? I didn't want to ruin the message quite yet. Plus, little icing hearts are just too unbearably cute. It had to be destroyed. I devoured the small dessert in two inhuman bites. Yukina laughed again.

"Now what do you say, Hiei?" She asked like I was five or something. I made sure my entire mouth was full of cupcake and without swallowing, replied,

"Thank you, Yu." and spitting a small hunk of cupcake in her direction. She gave me another hug because unlike the rest of the world who find my actions rude, gruff, and offensive she just takes it as affection.

I really do love her.

* * *

I fucking hate her.

The "_her"_ in question being Botan of course.

"Hiei I'll be busy in the back for a while." _Yes, you and Koenma will be _very _busy in the back I'm sure. _"So you take care of customers for a little while, kay?" I nodded grimly and she smiled. "Luv ya, Hiei."

"Hate you." I mumbled. And you know what pisses me off? SHE GET'S PAID MORE THAN I DO!

"Hello Hiei" A voice said walking up to the counter...

* * *

SAR&Rinku: READ AND REVIEW OR WE WILL FUCKNIG HATE YOU 3 heeheee that rhymed 


	3. Little, Red Freshman

SAR: Hi peeps. I'm glad alot of people like this story and I really appreciate the reviews. I appreciated even MORE the people who actaully read the author's note last chapter and told me if and who they wanted to see paired up in this story. And for the record saying, "I will not read yaoi" doesn't really help me that much although I still really love your reviews and want you to keep it up. :-D

Review Responses:

To Jack: Sorry Jack, I'm not going to say for sure in this chapter whether or not there will be yaoi or not. However, looking at the people who ACTUALLY told me in their review who they wanted to see together the majority is saying yaoi. But no promises.On the bright side people who are name Jack are awesome...or atleast the ones I know. Hopefully you are one of those awesome Jacks out there.

To Mom: HI MOM!!!!! jk

Rinku: So anti-yaoi homies out there PLZ suggest pairings you WOULD like to see or say no pairing to help with this decision making.

SAR: Right, and people who do want yaoi or whatever keep reviewing because I have absolutley zip idea where this story is going which is probably why it's taking me so long to write these dinky chapters.

Rinku: OHMIGOSH THERE'S A NEW CHARACTER IN THIS CHAPTER!

SAR: That's right and just so you guys know while you're reading, it's not an OC and for anyone whose looked at my profile and read my description of myself it's NOT me. Rinku?

Rinku: Yes?

SAR: Disclaimer please.

Rinku: Will do, SwisArmyRomance owns nothing but the plotlline and the Fall Out Boy shirt on her back. She doesn't even own the damn title, it's from a cartoon. That's just sad.

SAR: Sad indeed, Rinku. ENJOY THE CHAPTER!!!!!!!!!

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**Chapter 3: Little, Red Freshman**

"Hello Hiei" A voice said walking up to the counter...

I looked up to see a girl a few years younger than myself. She was short, with short, messy red hair that seemed to have an infinite amount of cowlicks in it. She was in my school's uniform.

Freshman. Definitely freshman. The entire uniform was too big on her, she wore the shirt properly tucked in the way no one but a freshman does, and to be perfectly honest she had no chest or backside to help her fill out any part of the attire.

"Hello, Unnamed Freshman." I said flatly and returned to making my other customer's latte. Said customer was a fat, wrinkly, 60-something year old bitch who I'm fairly certain had something moving inside her oversized, ugly, floral purse.

Freshman girl blushed and stuttered, "Oh, I-I was just- Well I was." I rolled my eyes. People bother me.

I sent a death glare her way before she could utter another uncompleted syllable. She silenced immediately.

I handed the old lady her drink and instead of handing me money she smacked me in the head with her purse. I fell backwards into the cappuccino machine.

"Be more of a gentleman around ladies, you little shit." She said in a croaky, smoked-to-many-cigs-when-I-was-a-youngster kind of voice. The violent old woman forked over the money for the drink and added,

"Keep the change."

Money. Praise the gods. I even went so far as to half-smile at the crazy old bitch and say "Well thank you, come again soon". Of course I'm _supposed_ to say that to _everybody_ but honestly, in my opinion, anyone who comes in here can go fuck themselves and never show their face in this place again. It means I have to make less drinks.

Unless of course that person leaves a tip.

"Not for you, for the redhead." The old woman said. I nearly spat. I can't believe I'd actually said "come again soon" for this!

"She doesn't work here!" I protested. The woman raised an eyebrow, which from the looks of it was drawn on with dark blue eyeliner.

"Then what's she doing with that?" The woman pointed to my left. I turned to see freshman tying a green Starbucks apron around her waist.

"Hey!" I yelled. Freshman jumped and the old woman murmured something about "angry young men" as she left the store. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" I shouted walking up to her.

"I-well-I-I work here. My sister got me the job; I was supposed to start today…no one told you?

No one tells me anything.

"No, I guess no one really gave a shit about you." I said coldly. I find it best to be a little extra mean when I first meet people, they expect less from me later. "Wait," I said. "You're _sister_ got you the job?"

She nodded.

"My sister Botan got me the job."

The sentence rang in my ears like a church bell had just been sounded in my head. I struggled to make sense of it.

"So," I asked slowly "You are…Botan's sister?

"Yep." She said with a disgustingly familiar smile that I suddenly took notice of.

Botan. Sister of Botan. Botan has a sister. This is Botan's sister. Two of them. Dear God help me there are two of them. Someone shoot me, there are two of them.

I believe somewhere at the beginning of this inner mantra my eye started twitching because a moment later Little Botan asked nervously,

"Hiei, are you okay?"

"No." I said "Excuse me."

I walked into the back room only to find my suspicions about Botan and Koenma confirmed. The two were on the floor engaging in some PG-13 activities which involved Koenma's tongue being shoved down Botan's throat. I decided to intervene before this scene's rating went up. Still though, I shouldn't embarrass them too badly.

"Hey you disgusting pieces of shit." I said. Both pairs of eyes, which were previously closed, opened in surprise. Botan made a squeaking noise and I'm fairly certain that she bit Koenma's tongue in the process. All in all it was pretty damn funny to watch as the two struggled to get up and keep _some_ of their dignity intact.

"Funny," I said "I'd always assumed Koenma was a friend-of-Dorothy. I mean y'know how he likes to suck on things…" I smirked at the two glaring at me. "Like those lollipops he's always eating. I'm surprised you even got him to take that thing out Bot-"

"Was there a reason you came back here Hiei?" Botan asked showing a rare moment of rage. It was amusing and a bit scary at the same time.

"Yes," I said. "You're sister is here."

"Oh," said Botan. "I'll go-" she was cut off as the alarm on her cell phone went off. She smiled. "I'll go home now, since my shift just ended, and Hiei, will you be a friend and start training Hinageshi for me?"

"Hine-who?"

"My sister." She replied. "You didn't even bother to ask her name?"

"Oh your sister," I said ignoring her question "In that case, no. Go train her yourself."

"If you don't train her you're fired." Koenma chimed in

"I'll do it myself." I said. Poor, sexually frustrated, Koenma. Maybe I should feel bad that I stopped him from getting some. Then again, maybe he should feel bad that he made Botan the assistant manager, then hooked-up with her and took his frustration out on me.

I walked out of the room to see Botan's sister standing nervously behind the counter.

"Right," I said, "What was your name?"

"Hinagesh-"

"Wrong." I interrupted. "Your name can be any one of the following: Freshman, Red, or Little as in 'Little Botan' take your pick." I said

"Well…," She started with those incomplete sentences again. "A lot of people call me Hina." She smiled weakly. I glared.

"Red it is." I said. I walked up to her and began to show her the wonder that is the cappuccino machine when I suddenly realized I was about two inches taller then her.

Maybe this wouldn't be so bad.

"Hello Hiei, Hina" Said a voice walking up too the counter…

* * *

SAR: oooooo more voices. How bout this for a deal, you folks review and I promise not to end each chapter that same stupid way. Kay? 

Rinku: Hey doesn't everyone call you Red?

SAR: Well...yeah I DO have red hair.

Rinku: UGH! You're SO unoriginal.

SAR: Whatever, you're shorter then me.

Rinku: Yeah, and you're shorter then everyone whos NOT me

SAR: ...Stinker...

Rinku: Read and review or we WILL sue!!!

SAR: pssssst! Rinku! we can't sue them!

Rinku: We can't? that's crap. Just review! okay?

SAR&Rinku: PLLLLLLLLLLZZZZ!!!!!!!


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